Trying to Get Your Crush’s Attention on Instagram Can Emotionally Break You

“My anxiety manifests very physically, so I will feel nauseous,” says Olivia. “My heart will start to beat really fast. I will sweat. I will just be completely consumed by it. It’s very toxic… [if] I’m in the middle of my work day, but I go on Instagram and see that he’s online, I’ll post something with the goal of being seen. Then if I try to go back to whatever I was doing at work, I literally can’t focus — all I’m thinking about is checking my Instagram notifications to see if he responded.”

This self-sabotaging behavior is a conscious choice. Through social media manipulation, we are choosing to remove all the fun of building something authentic. When we focus our sights solely on if our attempts to connect were successful, like awaiting the results of a standardized test, we fail to focus on the human being on the other side of the phone. We are paying attention — but to the wrong things, exacting psychological warfare on ourselves through our own manipulative tactics.

Social media has made me hyper-aware of public perception. I’m constantly asking my friends who they think I am based on my social media presence. It’s all mental notes, constructive criticism to help me better calibrate the girl I think my crush wants. I need to be funny, but not too goofy, so he takes me seriously. Sexy, but also the effortlessly beautiful girl next door. How many Instagram stories will it take for him to be enamored by my presence? Am I relatable, but also mysterious? Who am I to him?

I spent six months texting a guy who I assumed liked me back, because he was texting me back. Did I confirm those feelings verbally? No. But every response to my story convinced me feelings were growing. “When we project what we think we know, we highlight the important things about our crush and ignore the stuff we don’t like,” Dr. Cook says. “That’s why parasocial relationships are so one sided because when we don’t have other data to challenge who we’ve built this person up to be, we believe our viewpoint is the only one.”

The meaningless emphasis I placed on the internet contorted my view. I assumed, because I spent hours planning my posts, re-sharing things meant for him and only him, that his posts held the same amount of hidden messages meant for me to decipher. Our relationship never progressed, but I analyzed his words for subtext and built emotional palaces out of possibilities, when I should have taken his actions at face value.

“We are f*cking running on artificial shit,” Dr. Cook says. “Artificial will never fully fill you up; it will never satisfy you. You’re always going to be hungry, wanting more and the internet and social media is designed to prey on that — they create a psychological addiction. We are creating an environment where young people feel that they have to be accepted on a two dimensional screen and through a 30 second sound bite when humans were not made to exist that way.”

“It’s such a painful experience that is entirely self-inflicted,” Olivia adds. “It seems like a natural part of the chase, but really it’s just an obsession. And if we’re really being honest, all guys are probably just watching your Instagram stories while they’re on the toilet… It’s not like they’re clicking on your page and looking through your tagged photos the same way we are.”

I still catch myself sitting for minutes at a time rethinking a selfie to judge if it’s cute enough for my crush. I still find memes and immediately think, “He might find this funny.” But I’m working on stepping away from the phone and using my same thoughtfulness to foster something natural — something personal and less strategic, less manipulative. The movies make it seem fun to experience the highs and lows of falling for someone, even if they’re not the one meant to catch you. I now know there’s greater self-harm in trying to find love through a screen than IRL.