For the Holidays, Chosen Family Can Be Better Than the Real Thing

Nadia* doesn’t have the same holiday spirit she used to – not since the infamous Christmas Eve a few years ago when she accidentally stumbled upon texts that showed her dad was cheating on her mom. When Nadia, then a teenager, showed her mom the texts, her mom started throwing her dad’s Christmas presents out the balcony window of the apartment they were renting. Hiding from the chaos in a closet, Nadia wondered if the presents would hit someone down on the street.

After that, Nadia and her sister started spending holidays with family friends, playing games and staying up late to pass the time. “It’s a fun way to distract from everything,” Nadia said. “There’s a lot of comfort in knowing that people who aren’t related to you… are choosing you. They want us. It’s a good feeling that way.”

Although pop culture depictions of holidays include gatherings featuring a nuclear (and ideally sprawling) family, that isn’t the reality for many people. Instead, holidays for some can feature a chosen family – people related not by blood, but tied together by something altogether different – who pick each other and the traditions they want to keep.

Mae, 24, moved to a new city last year and spent Christmas alone. This year, they’ve decided to celebrate with their roommate, who was raised in Catholicism like Mae. Both roommates have their issues with the Catholic faith, but they also have traditions they want to continue. Mae will light their advent wreath – the candles of which they see as representing hope, peace, joy, faith and love – and attend church for advent services.

After Mae’s parents’ recent divorce, they said the family they grew up in doesn’t exist anymore. And, as a nonbinary lesbian, their identity also plays a role. They worry their pronouns wouldn’t be respected or their chosen name wouldn’t be used. Mae says that going home for Christmas would feel like “stepping into shoes that don’t fit.” 

“I realized that what is important to me might not be important to the rest of my family,” Mae said, “but it doesn’t make it less valuable.”

Their plans for Christmas this year include cooking, baking, and going to a local church that hosts a full choir Christmas Eve service. They’ll watch movies and craft and knit and eat homemade baked goods. “The main theme of it all is we do what we want,” Mae said. “The whole point of staying here is we don’t do things we feel obligated to do. Instead, we do things we actually want to do.”

That’s Chisom’s plan, too – to do exactly what he wants with his close group of friends in Lagos, Nigeria. Chisom, 21, moved out of his family’s house after what he says he experienced homophobia from a family member. And though he’s spent other holidays away from his family, this one is different because he doesn’t have a choice. “Last year, I didn’t spend the holiday at home but I knew that I could go back anytime,” he said. “It’s sad [now] knowing that I can’t go home when I want to because it’s not a safe space for me anymore.”